Seeing red

Well, you know how it is. When you start these things you have some ideas, and then after an initial flurry you suddenly don't have any ideas!

Yesterday Paul wished Mr Grumpy a happy birthday and I told him I was having a day off for my birthday - but really I had no ideas! Mr Grumpy was happy.

Then, late in the delay, a beautiful Scottish lady (Hi Annie) told me she liked my blog, so I had to come up with some inspiration, and finally at 11pm I saw red.

Red Onions!

By what law of the universe has it been declared in recent years that the staple diet of the entire population is the red onion? You just cannot eat out anywhere sensible without being assaulted by a deluge of the pungent globes.

Even something basic and ancient like a ploughman's comes with a little pile of sad looking garnish these days - and nestling in the fragrant green leaves, just behind the limp bit of sliced tomato is - the red onion pile. (Incidentally I gather the ploughman's was invented by the Milk Marketing Board in about 1920)

Now, those of you who like red onions may wonder what the problem is. But I detest red onions! No - to be fair, I am not racist. Colour is not the issue. It is raw onions I hate. It is merely the dictates of fashion that determine the red skinned variety as the target of my ire. I imagine some connoisseur will tell me that there are subtle differences in the cocktail of flavinoids, but as far as I am concerned they are equally detestable.

OK, I have to admit, many places are quite amenable to being asked to leave them out. The Deli in Camborne - no problem. Even Wetherspoons were happy to comply - although a moment of confusion arose when the server realised I hadn't actually ordered anything containing red onions - a rare achievement! Many other places however look on such a request as the outpourings of a deranged mind. Or even worse, they advise you that the salad has already been made up - for the week!

BUT WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO ASK???? Why should I have to remember that I will always get red onions unless I ask not to? Has it been declared by some benign government that we must have them for our health perhaps?? No, can't be. They tried to put flouride in our water but the outrage that such a proposal generated was scarily impressive. I wonder if the same outrage would have been generated if they had tried to apply red onion extract to our domestic water instead?

There is one class of eaterie where one can be fairly safe from such an onslaught - the gourmet restaurant. When you order larks tongues lovingly drizzled with aspic you get them on a bed of finely chopped endive and rocket, not red onion. And the terrine of lightly poached sucking termite's nostrils can usually be guaranteed free of the dreaded ingredient.

But wait - what do we find in such a restaurant? What does every dish contain whether you like it or not? And readers won't be surprised that I hate it just as much - GARLIC!

Aha - the answer at last! The plague of the red onion is a cosmopolitan Britain's answer to the plague of garlic. We felt that we needed to emulate the French but we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it their way - so we found something else to pervade everything with.

Where can I hide?